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"The cross is lethal!" "Do NOT take the Lord's name in vain!" "I'll show you prayer!"--the friars (yes, friars, plural) from a production of "Romeo and Juliet" I was in a long time ago (man, we sucked) "Um...action?"--the director at a rehearsal for "The Crucible," trying to encourage us "If you strip away the myth from the man you will see where we all soon will be."--Judas, from Jesus Christ Superstar (I just had to include a Judas quote here) Dromio: (pulls out sword) Ha ha! Russian Guy: (pulls out bigger sword) HA HA! Dromio: (runs off screaming) HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (from the production of Comedy of Errors I saw) "Will you guys STOP hanging all over each other, or else I'm going to be sick right here in the theater. Especially you, James. Yes, you. You suck."--my thoughts as I was watching a really bad romantic play (James was an actor in the play that I have something personal against) "There's only one whiner in Texas, and he's moving."--the only freaking DECENT part of "The Late Henry Moss", which other than this line is the most GODAWFUL play I have ever seen and I recommend that you avoid seeing it at all costs...unless, of course, you're a masochist. "The king is a thing."--Hamlet, from...er, "Hamlet" (when I went to see that I was mouthing the words to a lot of the speeches and generally being very annoying) "Show me that man that is not passion's slave and I will wear him in my heart's core, aye, in my heart of hearts...as I do thee."--Hamlet talking to Horatio (I'm convinced Hamlet was in love with Horatio...but then that's just me and I'm completely warped) "We represent the Lexington League, The Lexington League, The Lexington League. And in the name of the Lexington League, We wish to welcome you to Valley Forge!"--from "The Complete History of America (Abridged)", which is kind of like the Reduced Shakespeare Company, except it's American history. I haven't seen it yet, just read the script, but I really want to! "All that that man understands can be inscribed on a grain of sand."--Aida, from...um, "Aida". "That's right. I'm not apart from my comrades...they're here too, even though I can't see them."--Valentin, from Kiss of the Spider Woman "Thank you, you're my favorite fence sitter ever!"--from a local play I saw called The Exiled "Able, it was 1910. Everyone was in the closet then."--Hugh from The Exiled again (I think the fence sitter quote was Hugh too) "You're too twisted for color TV."--from Steel Magnolias, which I saw (the play) recently "She worships the quicksand he walks on."--also from Steel Magnolias (dude, that play had like eight pages worth of cool quotes, but these were the only ones I remembered) "The end is neigh."--a sign that one of the beggars was carrying in "The Threepenny Opera" "Jean-Claude, the chef said to hold Mr. Zagat's headcheese!" "Tell him to hold his own damn headcheese!"--lines from a one-man show I went to see called Fully Committed...the one actor had to play a guy answering phones at a restaurant as well as all the wacky people who called there. "Hello, my name is Mr. Inoue...I as in Eiffel Tower, N as in..." Yeah, it was funny. ^-^ "It's the kind of sunset that, if you painted it, no one would believe you."--a character in a play called "Picnic" that I read (forget who wrote it). I'm paraphrasing...but it rang true because the sky in Tucson looks like that a lot of the time, too. "Any idiot can act...but it takes a particularly _talented_ idiot to act well."--me when I was like eleven ^-^ on bad actors in youth theater "Ambiscootydodies!"--a guy at the Romeo and Juliet auditions (different play than the one with the lethal friars...this is the most recent one I was in, this last semester), trying to read his cold reading script (it was the speech where Mercutio was talking about Queen Mab and how she makes soldiers have dreams about "ambuscadoes" or something like that...) "And a hare's hoar hair, and a hoar's hair hoar..."--the guy who plays Mercutio, at the Romeo and Juliet first rehearsal (I think this might be the "ambuscadoes" guy, although I don't remember) "Oh yes it's Player's Night, and the feeling's right, yes it's Player's Night, oh what a night!"--me at Romeo and Juliet rehearsals ("players" are what our director calls the non-speaking, crowd scene parts, like what I play, and we had our own night to work out the blocking and everything.) "Come, bring me my sword, ho! *to the guy who brings the sword* So that means you're the ho?"--Capulet, from the Romeo and Juliet rehearsals (theater people are so much fun...) "Three civil bras..."--the Prince keeps saying this instead of "civil brawls". Makes it more interesting, anyway... "Put down your mistempered weapons and hear the sentence of your moved prince." "He is moved."--the Prince and Mercutio (again with the Romeo and Juliet stuff). The funny thing about this is that the director wants us to, if it's a word written as ending in "ed", like "moved", we're supposed to pronounce it as "MOO-ved." Two separate syllables. Like "BAN-i-shed." (rhymes with "storage shed") So what if he wants us to pronounce "moved" the modern-day way? He spells it "mov'd." Yeah, languages are weird... "Yeah, Benvolio doesn't get any love in this play...except after the end, when he gets with Tiberio Montague."--Jeremy (who plays Mercutio) has some interesting theories about how things go in Romeo and Juliet...did anyone tell him that Tiberio is Benvolio's uncle? Apparently not... "By my head, here come the Capulets!" "By my heel, I care not."--Benvolio and Mercutio from "Romeo and Juliet" (see, Shakespeare could be funny when he wanted to!) "I will not budge for no man's pleasure, I."--Mercutio "O, he is the courageous captain of compliments! He fights as you sing prick-song, keeps time, distance. One, two, and the third in your bosom; the very butcher of a silk button, a duelist, a duelist! A gentleman of the very first house, of the first and second cause: ah, the immortal passado! The punto reverso! The hai!" "The WHAT?"--Mercutio and Benvolio, from "Romeo and Juliet"...I'm not kidding here, it's all right there in the script! I think Benvolio voiced what we're all pretty much thinking at this point: "What the HELL is that crazy talking about?" "Did you know Paris has a death scene? I didn't know Paris dies...but yeah, apparently they're in the Capulet monument and there's a fight and Romeo kills him, that incestuous murdering damned Dane...oops, wrong play."--me on Romeo and Juliet...most productions cut out just about everything after Romeo and Juliet die, but not ours, so there's all this weird stuff in there that I didn't know existed before. Like the Friar comes and offers to take Juliet into a convent or something...like I said, weird stuff. "What, art thou hurt?" "DUH."--Benvolio from Romeo and Juliet and what I think every time I hear him say this to Mercutio, who has just been _stabbed_ and is bleeding stage blood all over the place...no, he's not hurt, at all! "Thine eyes are the color of boiled rutabagas..."--Gary to me during the Capulet party scene...um, this is kind of an actor thing. See, when you're onstage and you're supposed to be pretending to talk to somebody, but you don't have actual lines, just say (really quietly, so the microphones don't pick you up) "rutabaga, rutabaga," over and over again and it LOOKS like you're actually saying something, but you're not. Or "watermelon". Gary was just...building on that idea. Yeah. We do that a lot. "Look at his butt. It's so...padded!"--one of the girls I was supposed to be "rutabaga"-ing with during a certain scene (the director had instructed us to pretend we were checking out Romeo, Mercutio, and Benvolio) "God, that guy is such a friggin' rutabaga."--the guy who plays the apothecary and his idea of "rutabaga"-ing. (when in doubt, just say "rutabaga") "See, in those days, fights were like football games..." "Kill the ref!" "Whoooo let the Montagues out?"--the director trying to explain to us why we should make more noise during the fight scenes, and Balthasar and Lord Capulet kind of not getting the idea... "Thy wild acts are womanish!" "Yeah, Romeo's got PMS..."--the friar messing up one of his lines and me snickering about it from backstage "*nearly jumps out of his skin* Aaaaaaugh! News from Verona!"--the guy who plays Romeo...er, I think he was unprepared for Balthasar to come on at that particular moment and he got scared, because he did nearly jump about two miles off the ground. "The Montagues don't react enough." "That's why we hate them, because they're such sticks-in-the-mud."--the director giving notes, and Lady Capulet making her own comments "Here's the friar, and he has this and this and this, and here he is, now when is this play going to be over?"--the director, on how one of the watchmen delivers his lines "Tybalt, you bastard, you."--what the director actually wrote in his notes one night when Tybalt didn't show up "Whoa! He's giving us half a tree's worth of paper, there!"--the friar, on the amount of "paraphrasing notes" the assistant director was giving them ("paraphrasing notes"...I don't know if any other director does this, but this one had his assistant sit there with a script the whole time and write down whenever anybody paraphrased a line, and also write the correct version there too.) "Jesus Christ, they're not even dead yet."--Sean (who plays Sampson), waiting around backstage and getting impatient at how long R&J took to die "If there's anything I can do for any of you..." "Yeah, how about a massage?" "...besides massages." "Could you get Nell to stop hitting me?" "And besides bodyguarding."--the assistant director offering to help the actors out, and Jeremy and James (Balthasar) making some strange requests "It's the voice of God."--Colin (Romeo) on how thoroughly unnerving it is to have the assistant director saying Lord Montague's lines over the loudspeaker (because Lord Montague wasn't there that day, so the assistant director was filling in for him). It seriously did sound like God was going "Thou villain Capulet!" at us. Kowai. "So, are you still a prostitute?"--the guy who plays the Friar, talking to me. Is long story. "Romeo loves everyone. But see, he tells them he loves them and then they die, so it's like, dude, just do NOT tell me that you love me."--Jacob (Benvolio). It's true: Romeo tells Tybalt he loves him, and then he kills him; same thing with Paris; and then of course he loves Juliet and she dies. Romeo is cursed. :P "For she that makes dainty, she I'll swear hath corns!" "He tells that same joke about corns at every party. It's really getting old, isn't it?"--Lord Capulet saying his lines and one of the ladies at the party "rutabaga"-ing to me (as in, she was saying that sotto voce while the rest of the scene was going on) "Why do all of Shakespeare's characters feel the need to _announce_ it when they die? They always go, 'O, I am slain!' Now...do they NEED to tell us that, really?"--me "Party on, partisans!"--me being a dork about my line..er, word. Yep, they took my line away from me and then gave me just one word instead: "Partisans!" And then he took that away, too. Directors suck. :P "Um...yeah, Benvolio was supposed to be here, but he stood me up, the bastard..."--Paris, who was supposed to be in Benvolio's group for curtain call (just the two of them in one group, actually), but Benvolio was always late getting out there "Benvolio is too busy palling around with Mercutio to rutabaga with me. *pauses* *realizes how that sounds* Damn, now 'rutabaga' is beginning to sound like something dirty."--me realizing just how all-purpose the players' all-purpose "rutabaga" word can be... "Chris and Sean like bananas. I think sometimes they feed each other bananas..."--Carlos (another player) making banana jokes. No, seriously. He had this chocolate-covered frozen banana one day, and he...well, let's just say he _really_ liked that banana. Thus, the Banana Joke was born, and everyone started using "banana" in a Freudian way. X_x This was actually one of the tamer ones (Chris/Paris and Sean/Sampson are a couple...both boys, too). "I want to change the name of this play. It should be 'The Most Excellent and Lamentable Tragedy of Peter.'"--the guy who plays Peter (obviously) making suggestions to Shakespeare. Director-san did not happen to agree. "What ho!" "Ho? Where's a ho?"--a couple of the guys in Romeo and Juliet "I don't hit on the guys in the cast, I merely...appreciate them, and thank God for providing me with such beautiful works of art to gaze upon..."--the woman who plays Lady Capulet, rationalizing her checking out some of the boys. Anyone else think she's had a bit too much Shakespeare? (not that I can complain, of course) "Sir, you're scaring all the other lunatics."--a gaoler to Malvolio, from some Twelfth Night fanfiction (yes, this counts as a theater quote. :P "Does Romeo realize that when he says 'Come, cordial, go with me to Juliet's grave,' that he's talking to the poison? Because the way he does it now he's saying it to the audience and they're just going, 'Um, I'm not a cordial.'"--me on Romeo's delivery of that line "Romeo is Luke Skywalker."--hey, don't ask me, this is just one of the things those crazy tech people wrote on the back of one of the set pieces "Sampson and Gregory...it's all about you guys. Well, actually it's all about Jacob and 'Capulet dogs!', but after that it's all about you."--Jeremy trying to psych up Sampson and Gregory before a performance (our director added a line at the beginning of the play...the disembodied voice from offstage yelling "CAPULET DOGS!" at Sampson and Gregory after they get kicked out of the pub, which he has Benvolio read (whoa, out-of-character-ness) back |